jesus had two dads, and he turned out fine.

So, this is my second week in Peoria.

It's been pretty okay so far. I'm waking up early, looking at grad programs/doing GRE prep/looking at internships, eating more vegetables, and working out. Oh, and going to church. Yay for being in the Bible belt of the US.

Funny thing happened.

As some of you might know (I grandly address my large and diverse audience of readers. They say delusions of grandeur is one of the symptoms of schizophrenia), I can be an emotionless and rarely do I ever get my panties up in a bunch about pop culture, literature (see "Harry Potter"), etc.

However, I've been intensely reading this webcomic called Questionable Content for the past two days (1826 strips..woo..)At first, I think I was mostly attracted because it was about music nerds and hot indie chicks, but I actually really got involved in the whole plot, drama, and love story. I think I even grew ovaries.

But yeah, the main character just broke up with his girlfriend and it saddened me considerably.

I think this, coupled with anxiety from looking at internship apps that require recommendations from professors, got me in a really weird and depressed mood today.

Tomorrow will be better. The sad sack of potatoes will become an upbeat pile of artery-clogging French fries :)

looking back

So, done with fall semester of junior year. One more milestone on the road to graduation and real life. Scary.

I managed to pull of almost a 4.0 this semester.

But looking back, I realize (late as it is) there is so much more than just good grades. I threw away my social life and almost a friendship because of this self-absorbed, single-minded drive.

Sure, it feels good to look at my GPA, but I'm not sure it was worth it.

real talk.

God helps those who help themselves.

"I put no stock in religion. By the word religion I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of god. I have seen too much religion in the eyes of too many murderers. Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves, and goodness. What god desires is here (points to head) and here (points to heart) and what you decide to do every day, you will be a good man - or not."

he turned away from the woman that had once given him birth
and crying out to the sky cause he was lonely and scared
but only the devil responded, cause God wasn't there
and right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold
and so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul
they say death take you to a better place but I doubt it.

back

I'm in the airport, waiting for my flight. As soon as I get home, it's gonna be a fuckfest of packing all my school shit since I leave in two days.

I've learned alot about Taiwan, it's culture, and of course, myself. I had a good time, for the most part. Just don't fuck with me when I'm sleep deprived.

I am also no longer vomit free since '93. It is a sad day.

I've never really been one to be homesick, but this trip, I found myself wanting to go home. Of course, this was when I was cranky and tired, but still. A chink in my armor?

I also realized how much I miss my family and friends.

Censorship

So my parents aren't too happy about me using profanity in my Taiwan blog. My dad even sent me an email about it, to which I replied "What's so bad about these "bad" words anyways?"

To which he replied a long email which didn't quite answer the question..but anyways.

I feel like alot of the time, we're just being dragged around by society's expectations/customs that when you think about them, don't really have any rational reason behind them. Such as the taboo on four-letter words.

Why are these words "bad"? They express everyday activities/objects. Vaginas, bowel movements, having sex. These words aren't bad by nature--it's because society represses these things that they make words that don't describe them in either artistic or scientific terms taboo.

I'm not arguing for racial slurs--these words have a derogatory history behind them, with intent to insult/harm/degrade/oppress.

But what the fuck, shitting and cunts are everywhere.

update!

I finally finished work for the summer. Five weeks of being an RA and doing grunt work for the scientists. Even though I worked for less time this year, I feel like I accomplished just as much, maybe even more. And I find myself missing the lab. I think I've come to love the structure and the daily routine, and my little cubicle.

But anyways.

I ship off to Taiwan next week for three weeks of discovering-my-roots and other fun activities. Blehhh. I think I'll be blogging everyday on a sister blog I've created especially for the trip:

joshgoestotaiwan.blogspot.com

---
So what have I been up to lately? Reading and examining my faith/religion/all religion with a more critical eye.

I read Christopher Hitchens' God is Not Great; How Religion Poisons Everything. Not only is his style of writing engaging, witty, and just fucking awesome, he makes excellent arguments against all religions. I loved the book, and I feel that it gave me a more critical and careful way to scrutinize my faith and what I believe in.

Recently, I heard about a lawsuit being filed against a church. Based on what I heard, there seems to be a point in time when smart people started drinking the Kool-Aid of blind faith and gave up their rationality. (Which, if you think about it, isn't that a crime against God? If God or whoever is out there gave you this awesome tool of reasoning and rational thought, and you just throw it away...then two questions arise. A)what's the point of having reasoning and b) is a god who gives you a gift then demands you throw it away to believe in him whole-heartedly really worth following?)

But anways. Here's a question:

If you were to hypothetically design a building (let's add that you're a Christian, which actually should have no bearing whatsoever on your decision anyways, but let's stick with it), who would you choose:

a) Christian architect with no credentials/qualifications at all (so I suppose you could say "being Christian" is the only qualification)

or

b) non-Christian architect who's built many other edifices, has references, a portfolio.

The choice should be clear, unless you are of an abnormally low IQ (which apparently is a communicable disease spread by religious favoritism). You choose the qualified non-Christian who knows to how design a building.

---
A key aspect of what one might call the Christian experience is prayer. It allows you to communicate with him, and as a I recently learned (and this actually makes sense) it allows you to demand of God what he promised. Prayer is supposed to be a part of everyday life and you should pray about everything and make sure whatever you do, God is okay with it. Or if you're unsure, ask him via prayer. Etc.

So yes, very good. Prayer. It's story time, kids. Gather 'round.

A church wanted to build a new church buildling. As you would expect, the elders of the church would definitely pray for great amounts of time to ascertain God's will before going forth with building plans. It would be the Christian thing to do. And of course, they got the answer "Go forth and build me a huge fucking church building."

And so the elders commissioned architects and designers to build. And a church building was erected, greater and bigger than before.

And when the first storms came, the roofing leaked and the cafeteria flooded. But it must have been God's will for this to happen.

And a year later, the church was sued by one of the architects initially approached to do the design work. Come, let's say it together: "but it must have been God's will for this to happen."

Moral of the story, kids:

No. It wasn't God's will for this to happen.

It was human stupidity and lack of rational decision making. It was shoddy human construction.

Anything people construe as divine will is always after the fact. Hindsight bias, anyone?

I don't mean this post to be criticizing or hateful, or derogatory towards anyone. I just feel that when we give up reason in favor of faith, it's stupid.

Not to say that reason and faith can't go hand in hand. But that's a post for later.

Ambition

If a man holds no ambition, he suffers unknowingly.

If a man holds ambitions, he suffers knowingly, but very slowly.

end of finals

In about 12 hours, I will be officially done with sophomore year. It's been a rocky road, and I've come to realize that except for brief moments of time, I'm mostly miserable at this great institution of knowledge. Very few things at this place make me happy. But at the same time, I've learned alot.

Things I've done/learned/experienced this year:
1) Been awesome.
2) Met someone awesome :)
3) Went ice skating.
4) Booty-gyrated.
5) Went to Filthy Gorgeous.
6) Got into Operation DEEP, and am going to Tibet this summer!
7) Worked at an elementary school and loved the kindergartners.
8) Decided to never teach kindergarten (if I become a teacher.)
9) Been awesome.
10) Went to a hip-hop showcase.
11) Came to know a bunch of really fun people I normally would never have hung out with.
12) Being a hipster is fun.
13) Being a drunk hipster and losing your accessories (which, by the way, are borrowed) is not as fun.
14) Waking Life is one freaky film. Mind-blowing (especially if you're on illegal substances) but..freaky.
15) Went to a marching band party.
16) Threw a glass bottle into the gorge and then ran because I thought the cops were coming.
17) I am addicted to BJJ/grappling.
18) Question everything, and think beyond limits set by tradition/upbringing/religion.
19) I hate social psychology.
20) Psychology has taken over my life (I find myself constantly questioning if I'm committing ____ bias/fallacy/error. I can't even take a piss without wondering about social facilitation. It sucks.)
21) Confidence is sexy.
22) Stand up for yourself, because no one else will.
23) The normless thesis-- bad is the norm, good is the exception.
24) I hate Cornell.
25) Some people at Cornell are fucking stupid.
26) Learned to rap. In Chinese.
27) Got a 69 on my Chinese final.
28) I'm awesome.
29) White pants.
30) I have some kind of attention deficit disorder.
31) I hate my laptop.
32) If your penis says one thing and your brain says another...listen to your brain. Sometimes.
33) Friends don't let drunk friends throw butterfly knives.
34) Cried.
35) Went to a bar.
36) Actually made friends in one of my classes (gasp.)
37) Signed a lease for an apartment next semester.
38) Got hit in the testicles.
39) Went to a formal.
40) Learned just how awesome Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Yugioh Abridged, and The Emperor's New Groove is.
41) I have arthritic symptoms in my left knee.
42) Apologized profusely.
43) Assaulted someone.
44) Pooped. Furiously.
45) Picked up bad habits.
46) Lost good habits.
47) Apple bong.
48) O'd.
49) Chinese doctors routinely harvest organs from prisoners and Falun Gong practitioners without consent.
50) Bubble tea is delicious.
51) Too much BJJ = neck gets too thick = cannot button collar on dress shirt
52) Got ripped.
53) Got fat.
54) Salvia.
55) I hate doing psychology research.
56) Math professor with ridiculously thick accent.
57) Lived on a rotisserie chicken for four days.
58) Been awesome.
59) Had sushi.

...to be continued.

summer.

I'm avoiding studying so...here's my summer plans!

May- Get out of school, get my shit unpacked at home, maybe go to Six Flags?
June- My dad wants to send me to visit Taiwan for a bit. Maybe see the World Expo in Shanghai?
July- If I do go to Taiwan/Shanghai/Beijing, go directly to Chengdu --> Tibet right after?
August- Come back from Tibet, go to school right after.

So I'm going to be teaching English in Tibet! Pretty exciting :)

don't plan the plan if you can't follow through

For some reason, it seems like everyone I know has been having some sort of relationship trouble. My friend is in what seems to be a really one sided relationship. Talking to her today, it seemed like she was being supportive in every way for her boyfriend, but when it was time for him to be supportive of her, he bailed.

Even as I talked to her today and tried to give advice, I'll admit that inside, I gave a sigh of relief that my relationship didn't have any of these troubles. We're the best couple. We don't have fights.

And the irony of it is that not 30 minutes later, we had a spat. Over almost the same issue. Humbling.

I always thought that I was a good, supportive boyfriend. But today Annie made me realize that while I might be supportive for some things, I'm not good enough at being considerate or supportive for other, more important issues. Being at her sorority events or dance performances isn't enough. What I need to do is be better at comforting her, be more appreciative of when she comforts me, and I need to show her that I really do want to spend time with her. That whenever I'm with her I feel so..fulfilled when I'm with her, and that I want to be as fulfilling for her. That during the day, when I'm not with her, I feel a little emptier, and not nearly as happy. That even though I mess up so often, I really do care about her and that I want to make her as happy as she makes me.

But actions speak louder than words, and I guess there's been a lack of action on my part.

I promised her that I'd try to be more considerate and supportive, that we'll do more things she wants to do, and that I'll be more enthusiastic and eager for her.

But trying is useless. Only doing counts.

Wanted: Depth of constitution to do as I say and say what I mean.

RAWR.

She laughed as she trained the barrel of her pistol at me. I quickly pulled the trigger on my own pistol, but was greeted by only the dry click-click of an empty gun. A moment later, I felt the impact of her own shot smack me in the chest, rocking me and making my head spin. Shit.

Fuck it. I pistol whipped her across the face, with a loud crack that sent her reeling backwards. "Wha..what.." she sputtered. "You can't do that.."

"YOU ARE A POOR FIGHTER," I replied. I quickly jumped guard, wrapping my legs around her waist and cranking downwards on her neck with both hands. She collapsed, and I torqued my hips, sweeping her sideways and ending up in mount.

I swung out hard and punched her in the face a few times, feeling the shock of fist colliding into flesh and bone all the way up my arms. She covered her face with her arms, hoping to lessen the blows. Mistake.

I grabbed her arm and pivoted quickly into an armbar. She screamed as I hyperextended her arm.

And then Annie woke me up.

my friday night.

So after an awesome BJJ practice session (I downed a Red Bull beforehand. It didn't give me wings but it gave me some fucking awesome stamina.), I picked up a bottle of gin and Kahlua from my grad student friend and headed to Collegetown to get some lemon juice, tonic water, and milk. Then I headed home and took a shower. Because of my super intense workout, there was nothing in my stomach. Here is where logic and laziness/frugality come into conflict:

Nothing in stomach = bad time when drinking.
Something in stomach = have to go outside and buy food.

Solution? EAT REESE'S PIECES. Because they are definitely filling.

So yeah. Headed out to my coworker's house party with my kickass girlfriend who talks in her sleep (she like yelled out "HEY" two nights ago.) We got there around 11, and started partying it up. We played this game called "smack that" which involves drinking, backhanding ho's, and getting money. Great fun was had by all. Except I kind of sucked, and Annie kind of kicked my ass 36 different ways. So yeah, great fun was had by all :D

I don't really remember to well what happened after that, but I recall meeting Sandie and co. at CTB, then heading to my room for more drinks. And then waking up the next morning, extremely hungover..

Annie filled me in on the embarrassing details later.

Fucking Reese's Pieces.
--
In recent news, there's been a few sexual assault things going on at school. It's pretty disgusting what men can sink to. It's more disgusting that the perpetrators probably aren't townies or vagrants--they're probably Cornell students.

Fuckers.

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
e.e. cummings

Why do I seem to have the perfect knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time? It seems that just when everything is going perfect, when you've had the greatest weekend in a long time, I manage to fuck it in the face with just a few words.

And I'm sorry for it. I guess I'm just not mature enough.

rawr.

When push comes to shove, I just stand and scream "Fuck 'em all."

empathy, assistance, and real students.

So I sit here in the library, furiously pounding on my sweatshop-produced laptop (5 essays due tomorrow), and in the midst of transferring some of the greatest literature to ever grace the Chinese language to the computer screen in front of me, my stomach lets out a huge fucking rumble.

It was the homewrecker of rumbles, the heavyweight of gut growls, and the slap-you-in-the-face-with-my-cock (metaphorically) of..slaps with body parts. It was a demon that thundered to be loosed in an angry stream of hot scorching gas, that raged against its visceral confines, that demanded to be let free to walk upon the earth and wreak havoc upon the olfactory sensibilities of my nearby library patrons. It was the equivalent of King Kong pounding his massive chest, roaring to the skies. It was Beethoven on his deathbed, raising his fist to heaven. It was the Trojan Horse armed to the teeth with rocket launchers. It was over 9000.

--
Three more essays to go.

This past weekend, I went to a crossings party with Annie. It's the first time I've been out in a long time, and only the second time we've been to a party together (we actually ran into each other at the same frat before we started dating. Reminds me of my dad-meets-mom story. Details to follow).

It was good fun. I like hanging out with her sisters, and I think I get along fairly well with them. I ended up eating Cool Whip out of the tub with one of them. Delish.

Annie said I dance like a girl. I think she's just jealous of my booty gyrations and hip undulations. I can give strippers and professional go-go dancers a run for their money.

So I guess I have a backup plan. If I ever fail at life..Chippendale's is only a call away.

beef.

Copyright Natalie Dee
---

Recently, due to the suicides that have occurred, the University put up fences along the bridges/gorges around campus. Sounds reasonable, right?

I thought so. That's why I was so surprised to hear that people were protesting against the fences. Why? Because it was fucking with the aesthetics of the scenery.

Are you fucking kidding me? That's like going to the doctor's for a vaccination, and then saying "Nevermind, I don't want it because it'll leave a track mark and I won't look pretty." Yes, you'll look even better dead.

People are killing themselves, and we're concerned with the scenery? Where are your priorities? Do sticks and stones mean more to you than the life of a fellow human being? For all you know, the next suicide victim might be a friend or family member.

"But I would know the signs and say something..." Bullshit. If the signs are so easy to recognize, then why do so many suicides still occur? Don't underestimate depression. It fucks you up, no matter who you are.

One columnist in the Cornell Daily Sun argued against the fences, saying that it sends the wrong message to students: jump and you get a memorial that makes everyone think of you. Are you fucking kidding me? That's the last thing that's on a suicidee's mind. And no one makes a hero out of you. If anything (and I don't mean to disrespect the memory of any of the people who've committed suicide), it makes people remember you in a worse light. I know that some people view suicide victims as weak and selfish. People don't kill themselves to get negative attention.

People here sometimes have their heads so far up their idiot asses it's amazing they're even still breathing. Of course, it's a mixed barrel of apples. You get some fluffheaded idiots who care more about their brand name rain boots, but you also get some truly deep, intelligent, and thoughtful people who open your eyes to new perspectives.

But the whole thing stinks to high heaven of idiocy, the inability to empathize, and doom in the future. If we college students, the hailed "future of the nation," are more concerned with looking at the sunset than preventing death, we're seriously fucked as a country.
--
In other recent news:
-Aced my Psych of Emotion exam! I think.
-Switched to running Linux (OpenSuse 11.2) on my laptop because it died last week. Linux is fun. But also a pain in the ass. *shakes fist angrily*
-Bought two books: "God is Dead" and "I, Lucifer." They should be interesting reads.
-Two more prelims.
-I need a drink. Multiple drinks.

i hate social psych.

cuteness!

It’s All In Your Head

Grocery Store | Texas, USA

(I’m a cashier at the local grocery store. One evening, a customer comes up to my till.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay today, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you, I did.”

(I start scanning his items. Out of nowhere, he grabs the hand-held scanner and points it at his forehead. Naturally, nothing comes up.)

Customer: “Just as I thought. I’m priceless!”

--

Disco Stu Does Not Approve

Coffee Shop | Portland, OR, USA

(A man walks into our crowded coffee shop and yells at the top of his lungs.)

Man: “EVERYBODY GET DOWN!”

Supervisor: “Oh no, it’s a robbery!” *begins to call security*

Man: “…on the DANCE FLOOR!”

(The man then “dances” up to the front, past shocked customers, grabs a bottle of water, and “dances” out of the store. Security nabs him outside the door.)

when you wish upon a star

So here I sit, 3:10am, with one day left of Spring Break.

I can't say anything notable happened this break. I got some internship apps done. Caught up on reading, sort of. I have shittons of work left I didn't do. Internships I didn't apply to yet.

Okay, I lied. I did do something notable. Gin and tonics. Ahh.
--

Cornell. In 26 hours, I will be back on a bus to Cornell.

Sometimes (as I told my sister today), I wonder if I made the right decision going to Cornell. I didn't want to go to Rutgers, but..was choosing the only other feasible alternative the right decision?

One thing that still bothers me is that...it's in the middle of fucking nowhere. Sure the scenery is nice, but c'mon. Trees are trees. After a while, you get bored of fucking trees. Okay, that sounded weird.

Sometimes, I wish that I had gone to school in a city. Chicago. NYC. LA. I don't care which one..just one where there's more LIFE and commotion and people in a rush. A place where life isn't slow and doesn't feel like a drawn out death of academia and courses you dislike.

But there's good things too...there's the quiet happiness I've found of being with a special someone, the exquisite flavor of a good froyo with mochi toppings, the camaraderie of my BJJ club.

I guess it reminds me of the yin-yang. Even in the black area, there's that small circle of white, and vice versa. Even when it seems that everything is absolute and utter shit, there's still that small (sometimes seemingly insignificant) hint of light and..not shit.

I'm not arguing for believing in hope. I just don't know if I am (or if it is even possible) to be 100% happy with where I am in life, what I'm doing, and where I am headed.

two good reads

http://www.ubersite.com/m/60818

and.

http://www.ubersite.com/m/121869


The first one sent chills down my back when I read it. The second story is about how badass I want to be.


---

And i would go to the end of the earth for you.

finally getting around to posting stuff!

---
So it's been a while since I've blogged at all. I've had alot of stuff on my mind, but when it comes to writing it down, I kinda get lazy.

Let's start with recent events. But first, a funny story:
Recently, while still at school, I crashed at Annie's place because it was late. As I slept, I dreamt that I had shot someone (I knew this person) in the face. And I was like, "Oh shit," but I didn't feel too bad. But then..that person CAME BACK TO FUCKING LIFE. And grabbed my leg. And I was like YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII and let out a decidedly unmanly yelp. And woke up. And I was still yelping.

And then Annie laughed at me. And all was right with the world.
---

This past Saturday, I competed at Grappler's Quest "Beast of the East." Together with John and Adam, we made up Team CUBJJ (or Cornell University BJJ, or Cornell BJJ, or Cornell...we all wrote different team names down). We got to Caldwell College at around 12:30, got our free t-shirts, and then settled in to watch some of the events. We even got to watch Rafael Lovato Jr, one of the most decorated BJJ guys in the US, fight; I ran into him a few times later, it was really cool to see one of the best closeup IRL.

As usual, all events were running late; I was supposed to fight no-gi at 3:30..we started at 8ish. After my round got stalled because the judge wandered off to judge another ring, I finally faced off with my opponent. I shot in for a single leg, and got guillotined on the way in. I spent a big chunk of time mostly defending it, I remember jumping on the guy and pulling guard to try and pry my head out. When I finally managed to get my head out, I was half unconscious and my entire right arm was numb. I knew I didn't have much time left and I was probably down on points, so I think I tried to pull guard; I'm not sure, everything suddenly turned into a blur. One minute I was on the bottom trying to sink an unsuccessful ankle lock, another minute the ref was yelling at me, another minute I had his back, then he escaped, and he got me in one more guillotine. I didn't have the strength to fight him; waiting around for 5 hours to fight really drains you, so I tapped.

My gi fight went much better, even though I lost. I circled the guy, and we clinched. Just as I went to snap him down and go for the single leg, he pulled guard and we plopped down on the mat. I started working to pass guard, but he kept breaking my posture, so I tried to pass using the standing pass Danny Ives taught me the first year of college. I think I got it, but then the guy swept me and started moving to side control. I looked at the scoreboard and saw that I was down by two, so I knew I couldn't let him keep me in side for too long, so I managed to get halfguard and sweep him. Again, everything was a blur, but I think then I managed to get him in an armbar. I actually went RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR and cranked the shit out of the armbar (I felt something crack), but the dude was a trooper and got out and we were scrambling again. Right before the bell sounded I had another armbar but it wasn't any good.

I guess that pretty much sums up the meat of my tournament experience; of course, I left out alot of the stuff--flooded bathrooms, waiting around, seeing old friends, weighing in. But I think if I were too look back in a few years, that's all that would really stick out.

Anyways, things I learned this tournament:
1. I need to improve my conditioning
2. I need to improve my strength
3. I need to improve my shots/takedowns
---
So this is the first day of spring break. I haven't done all that much, and I am nursing a gin & tonic as I write this. Delicious.

Yay for a new start!

Finally making the transition from Xanga to Blogspot! Posts will be coming soon :)

IDC IF YOU DON'T READ THIS. MUAHAHA.